DISCLAIMER: This article is satire, and what you read here should not be treated as facts. Its contents are mere exaggeration and sarcasm.
Inspired by the success of in-game drinks breaks at the FIFA World Cup, Formula 1 has announced it will introduce mandatory driver hydration stops every four laps at this weekend’s Austrian Grand Prix.
After roughly five minutes of intense wheel-to-wheel racing, all drivers at the Red Bull Ring will be required to pull over and rehydrate with a cool, refreshing, sponsor-approved beverage.
“Stopping the race 17 times might sound like an unnecessary measure that’ll destroy the flow of the racing,” explained an F1 spokesperson. “But as FIFA has proved, it’s about creating the best conditions for our sporting heroes to perform. The fact that it gives a ton more advertising opportunities is a totally coincidental side effect.”
The three-minute breaks will also offer team principals the opportunity to issue mid-race tactical tips to their drivers, like, for example, “Have you tried driving a bit faster, Lance?”
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Critics of the move have pointed out that the Red Bull Ring—on account of sitting at an altitude of over 700 meters and also being in the Alps—isn’t an especially hot venue.
“It’s all about the principle,” stated the spokesperson. “The principle that there’s no element of sporting tradition we can’t rip up on a whim. I mean, driver comfort. Because without the drivers, there’s no show. Those cars can’t drive themselves. Not until 2028, at least.”
FIFA’s inspiration won’t end with totally necessary hydration breaks.
“They’ve demonstrated that with the right mindset, there’s essentially no limit to what a governing body can achieve. Financially speaking,” cooed the spokesperson.
So, mirroring the success of the newly expanded World Cup, the 2027 F1 season is set to include 48 drivers competing in 48 races across the year.
“Sport is a good thing, and more of a good thing is always a good thing,” explained the spokesperson. “Is there such a thing as ‘too much medicine’? There is not. Is there such a thing as ‘too much money?’ Not that we’ve yet discovered!”
The sport also announced its first ‘F1 peace prize’ will be posthumously awarded to Genghis Khan, for his role in spreading peace across Europe and Asia.
NOTE: This article first appeared on TopGear.com. Minor edits have been made.
